i miss writing. here and everywhere. i miss sitting up in bed in the dim mornings typing away. so i am trying to do it this morning since i woke so early. probably it would be better to go take a longWalk before it is so dreadfully hot, but ... i'm so lazy! i didn't want to wake at 6, but i had already had two sad dreams and didn't want to chance another. by the time i walked around and looked at the odd peach color of the sky i was awake, so i made the coffee. and have now piled back in the bed for a while. it is still dark. maybe it will rain? although the rain would probably be boiling and sizzling... this summer hasn't been *too* bad, really, although it looks like we are in for a stretch of it. i guess i will just have to stop eating if i am not exercising. maybe i will have a diet of Corona beer, tomatoes and avocadoes. mmmmmm.

this is the long lonely art weekend and so far, so good. *finally* i was able to order more Golden soft get and UHU sticks, so i don't have anxieties about running out of adhesive, which is a big block for me. this time i splurged a little and also ordered an economy pack of 8x10 canvas board. i expected it to be a little shitty, but the quality was just fine. especially if you are planning to glue papers all over anyway. so yesterday i pulled out the paints and "played". why do i want to paint so badly? i don't even know *what* i want to paint - not puppies and landscapes, i'm sure - i just want to DO it. i want to make textures and marks. it wasn't too bad, although i will probably paint over today. that's ok. as soon as i glued woodpeckers on, i knew i had fucked up. i was trying to avoid THINGS. then went and stuck an identifiable THING on there. grrrrrr. but i will go back to it today.

i also started watching Art 21 and at first was a little cranky because the second, not first, CD was in the wrong envelope, but then i was fine because there was Kiki Smith. i LOVED her. LOVED. i saw the series at the library yesterday, so might go back and get them, instead of waiting for Netflix to confuse me with the wrong CD's. i am also reading - yes really READING - a huge monograph about Rauschenberg. there are also so many photos. his work is so inspiring to me. i thought i might need an art diet, i tend to look at so much stuff online, i wanted to just STOP, but the habit is a little more under control now. there is such a glut out there of information and imagery. it can become too overwhelming and UN-inspiring after a while.

the dreams last night were about being abandoned and left behind, sort of. losing second chances. being dragged away underwater by an alligator in a weedy canal. stuff like that. but the worst was the one about losing the girls. they were little again and were going to live with their dad. he was taking them away and i had to pack ALL their things, which kept multiplying and had to stop and lie down and cry and get up and try to be cool. he was waiting for me to finish, taking the boxes out and chatting. the girls were excited, but also fearful. Betsy was upset that i was messing with her stuff, then Margaret was in a huge panic when she realized she would be in a different school and was leaving her friends. her eyes were so large and afraid. god i hated it. the guilt of taking them away from David has surfaced now and i feel sort of sad and shitty and sleepy this morning. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i had done everything differently. this life is hard. and i am not really "happier". whatever i thought i might find "away" - i never did. although i have had interesting experiences, sure. anyway. no point in dwelling on all THAT, huh. yep, right.

since i finally renewed my roadside service, i thought i might go on a pictureMaking adventure today, to a little town i have wanted to go back to for a year or so. but i think it will be too hot to wander around comfortably and i don't want to just go driveby shooting. so i guess it will be paint and Art 21 again all day. maybe i will build more palaces, too. i think they are too predictable when they are so symmetrical, although i love the altaristic feel of them. the poet also agreed that they need some break from symmetry. maybe i will try that. i almost feel like crying, but i think i will go make more coffee instead.

usually writing like this, i put under lock/friends-only filter on livejournal. but i have been remembering how open i used to feel when i used to write "real" things in public. my art was so different, too. lately i have been feeling so closed and rigid, and i wonder if authentic writing will feel good. or bad? this may disappear. i make it small, so it doesn't scream.