i suppose i should make a public service announcement...
there are some pretty nice little pieces in my etsy shop that will soon be expiring. they will not be re-listed until after The Big Transition - and possibly not then. so this is sort of last call. i won't be adding any new items until i am settled, probably in the fall. and who knows what i will be making then!? i *will* be offering some really weird ephemera packs in the next month or so, however, because there is NO WAY i am moving all this stuff with me. the ephemera i can toss in the trash if necessary, it's just paper and stuff, right? sniff. right? but the artPieces ... sigh ... i wish they could go to new homes!

go see if you like?

i keep thinking i might be getting sick of using only my iPod to make pictures, but then i download a new little app or try a different combination of lens/film on the hipstamatic ... and it fits so easily into my pocket ... *and* when i am walking, there is also music! how can i not love it so dearly? it is the ultimate toy camera.

i'm not sure why i only pop in here on Friday mornings to write. remember when i used to write stuff 2 or 3 times a day? i do. now it seems silly. i'm not sure i like writing about myself at all anymore. i've mostly returned to inhibition. i barely talk to anyone. it doesn't seem to matter. i know this is kind of a curling-up-before-the-big-transition time so i am ok with it now and don't even feel very lonely. i walk around my miniLoft and mentally note the things i will toss away or keep. i use up as much artStuff as i can, because it cannot all go with me. i wonder how big a uHaul i will need and how much will it cost. i wonder if anyone will help me. i know i don't have enough $$ for such a transition and am not really sure how i will do it. once or twice a week i wake in a panic and can't go back to sleep, but mostly i don't fret. i do sort of wonder where i will live. and how i will fit into family dynamics again after being the outsider for over 20 years.

mostly i am focused on good habits and discipline lately. long fast walks, flossing, eating mostly protein/veggies, arting insted of flopping in bed with a book, being calm, saving every penny possible, keeping things clean. these things really help my mental state, too. i think i might be out of my skull with anxiety if i were still drinking a box of wine a week and eating noodles and popcorn every night while i read mystery paperbacks.

last weekend the poet came to my house and we had a pretty nice stayCation. we ate some good food and watched macBook theatre, of course. we can't go out to the movies here. you could not pay me to go to our only Big Theatre. it is overpriced and really dirty and the seats are broken/uncomfortable. i HATE it. and the old downtown theatre that i love had movies we have already seen, but they do have an excellent video store attached, so we went there. we had some hikes in the woods and at the new wetlands, but it was cold and gray and damp and there were no wildflowers yet. still, good.

now this is my long weekend alone. i hope it doesn't rain all weekend! there are now flowers to be seen and my iPod and i will hike and hunt for them all through the neighborhoods. and there is so much paper ephemera to be used up. i keep thinking i will bring a big canvas in. i am now up to 18 x 24, but even that didn't feel big enough. and some red wine is allowed on the weekends. yes! onward!

another week with LOTS of walking. last week i put in 20 miles, because i took superLong hikes on the weekend. i was so proud of myself. i have been semi-agoraphobic this winter and i feel like i am getting over it now. yay. and i didn't just walk the neighborhoods, even though they felt enchanted in the gloomy lateWinter with the new Tejas lens on the iPod hipstamatic! wheeee. one day i hiked on The Levee, our town's "hike and bike trail" along the river. it's pretty bleak, actually, boring. but it was good for power hiking without worrying about cars and lumpy sidewalks, stuff like that. on the way back, i went into the woods on the mountain biking (ha ha) trail. at least it was different! and i found a DUMP! sure i love nature in the woods, but it is always exciting to find a human dump from old times. it is like archaeology. rusty cans, bits of broken bottles and pottery shards. we have an old dump on our family property in Texas and i have loved to poke through it since i was little. in the one last weekend, i found a WHOLE crusty bottle with a rusted-on lid and interesting brown stains inside - a WHOLE whiteGlass bottle with a couple of nicks and a really heavy metal and porcelain lid for a canning jar. i want to use them for still life photos. and i want to go BACK!

otherwise, glueing lots of paper bits, watching library films, eating healthy stuff, then back to work and now it is the weekend again. good. i have cleaned up my miniLoft and will go to the city to fetch the poet and bring him back here for the weekend. we meant to have some hiking, but it is black as night out there. i hope it doesn't plan to rain ALL weekend. at least it is not cold. it has been amazing. i saw daffodils yesterday! early ones, to be sure, but still...

i feel like my new good habits are kicking in and i feel lighter, definitely *better* - less lethargic and puffy. healthier. now for the real test. i washed my jeans. will they feel awful when i first button them? or ok? gulp...

it seems spring may actually come after all. eventually. finally i saw a crocus yesterday. three actually. normally i see them in mid- to late-february. and forsythias even, by now. but not this year. winter started late and is lasting forever. but i'm sure it will seem short once i am in the midst of boiling summer. the climate change is pretty unsettling. i am thinking about Japan this morning. i'm sure my mother is watching the news and thinking about California. well, me, too. i almost texted Betsy to say it might be a good day to go to the mountains or something. but it was only 5am there and she would probably not like that. she will go to work in downtown LA and not the beach anyway. and David works in San Francisco. i hope he is not going diving this weekend! i can't believe there are still people who think that the issues of climate change are just some liberal bullshit.

sometimes i feel guilty for not writing more and regularly. i miss my old rambling. but i just don't seem to have *words* lately. or pictures even. and i'm not showing my new artStuff yet (if ever). so what is there to share? hmm. maybe i will be more interesting (or my life will) once i am in a new environment. yes, it WILL. because i am going to MAKE it so. i've had enough of this solitude, quiet, disinterest. i am ready for more liveliness. now matter where i end up.

it is the longlonelyweekend at home and i am mostly glad. i have things i am working on. it is warm and dry enough for lengthy walks. maybe with pictures! i have books. i might have some red wine. i am happy enough.

finally a week wherein i could actually walk to and from work every single day. good. it is two miles each way. i realized it takes the same time to walk halfway to campus, then catch the park&ride bus to west campus as it does to walk, and i really need the exercise, so that is what i do now. the weather has been a hindrance since i made that decision. cold i don't mind, but slippery ice or freezing ice flying in my face, harsh winds, no thank you. nevertheless i managed to slide down on some black ice one morning this week. at least i didn't crack my tailbone and a molar this year, only bruised and pulled a hip. i got up and kept walking. what else to do.

the new walk is rather boring, and i am happy to have my ipod loaded with my favorite tunes. sometimes i snap a piccie if i find something worthy. i still LOVE my ipod camera insanely. but i can't help but lust for the *better* camera on the iphone. maybe someday. mostly the walk is about exercise. i can't figure out why i am not shrinking faster. i have given up almost every bad thing i used to eat. i barely touch white food. maybe one potato a week. maybe brown rice pasta once a month. even my rice is green now! i haven't touched popcorn since i broke a filling months ago. bread? hardly ever and it is brown and crunchy. fat? no. only a little olive oil. a bit of cheese. lots of veggies and honeycrisp apples. some chicken. lentils. eggs. why am i so stuck??? maybe the walking will make things happen faster. hope.

otherwise, everything is the same as it ever was. plodding along. fingers crossed about the future. etc. glueing bits of paper down, as always, letting pieces get bigger and bigger. seeing what will happen with them.

also, i've decided i am NOT going to do a sale on etsy after all. i don't really think it would generate more sales, because i just don't get much traffic or interest there, other than a few of my online friends. (Thank You!) also, to lower my already shameful prices just feels too degrading. i need to learn to value my work (and myself) more. or is it too late? if i end up with boxes and boxes of artPieces to haul to Texas, maybe i will have a live show sometime. who knows. so i am going to let etsy go, let the pieces on there expire. i am also going to kill my Amazon "bookshop". what a joke! i looked at my inventory and saw that nearly every book i have listed, someone else is selling for a penny. never mind! so i am now taking my books to the used store and taking what they will give me. at least i don't have to bother with shipping.

enough words! onward to the big city and the poet and finally ... The Adjustment Bureau!