ok i went out walking this morning.
it was hot. my camera batteries were naughty.
but i am still glad.

i've been feeling justified in not going out wandering and capturing because it is Just Too Hot. so i thought i would play with some older photos instead (of which there are thousands). looking for a few last-summer photos, i found folders FULL. i was out wandering constantly. this same time of year. i feel a little spanked. am i just a lazy whiner or is it *really* much hotter this year? hmmmm. regardless, i keep with my plan to stay in and attack the skill of painting again this weekend. tons of new music from the library. and books. always books. onward...

wow. i hardly *ever* write from my office anymore. but i am sort of in the mood today. i will only be here, in this office, for 2 more days. no! i'm not (finally) leaving. (i wish). the brand spanking new School of Pharmacy is near completion and we are scheduled to move in on August 3. it is weird. i have been here for nearly 10 years (gasp), even though i have been in 5 different offices during that time - but always on the same floor, same suite.

the most suckish aspect of the change is that it will be twice as far from my house, no longer really in walking distance. it is in "west campus" - which is like the suburbia of campus. all new, so corporate-looking. i don't like it. i like being on REAL campus. i did see a pretty pond, and i think there is a secret old cemetery, if they didn't tear it down. i'm not quite sure how i will get there. and the bus routes are in the process of changing, so there is no way to make a firm plan, but i think i can bus most of the way. and faculty/staff ride free. that part is good. when the weather is ok, i can just walk home, 2 miles or so. but in the morning, ugh. i would have to get up and out too early! it will be so strange to have my 10-year routine so disrupted. but it will be interesting to be in the fancy new building.

i have been sick over the weekend and still. yesterday i stayed home from the office. even though i felt rather shitty, the poet and i still had some fun. we saw Inception! wow! and we went to the city market for fresh veggies and made gazpacho. we didn't go on any hikes though. too hot. also TinaMerlot was sick, too - she needed a new battery. which she now has.

i am really having issues with art/picturemaking lately. i have been reading/visualizing/thinking a lot, but not *doing*. at least with product as the end result. i almost REFUSE to keep doing the same unsatisfying things i have been doing for months. i have been making some experiments, because it is important to keep my hands doing things, but either toss them, or cover them up and start over. i have not been updating my etsy or artfire stores, because that means doing the same things. i think the artfire may have been a mistake. but since i paid for 3 months, i should use it. somehow. i really have to find my path. my work. but i feel so blind and stupid. and quite bored of myself. i know things will feel better when summer is over. they always do.

images from the world i am not going out in today

yes, it *is* the good time to wander around in the alleys. (is there any time that is *not* good for me??) there is much to find right now, as apartments change hands. but A. i don't need anything and B. there has been as excessive heat warning all weekend and will probably continue through the week. YUK. no thank you, outdoors. i will stay inside and grow a fat butt and paint and glue instead. at least until tomorrow, when i must return to the office. and i *will* walk there, but in the shade and with my straw hat.

the long lonely artWeekend has not been so bad. sometimes it is terribly lonely and i feel terribly disappointed about my output and energy. but this weekend, even though i have nothing i would show in public, i feel closer to what i might be trying to do with paint. i have also liked watching Art:21 very much. i acquired the Series 1 - 4 from the library! although i am impressed and often astounded, i am a little cranky about the Monumentalism portrayed. i'm not sure i want to go into it all right now, but i am feeling a little *small* and ineffective with my little artTable and few materials (recycled at that) and small substrates to work with. not to mention, i could not make all those important artWords in a million years! jeez... anyway, i carry on in my own way. doing what i can with what i have. so far i have loved Sally Mann and Kiki Smith and Lari Pittman best, but i have also realized that i have only watched one quarter of each DVD, as i didn't understand how the things worked! oh well! it will be hot all week! so ... onward ...

i miss writing. here and everywhere. i miss sitting up in bed in the dim mornings typing away. so i am trying to do it this morning since i woke so early. probably it would be better to go take a longWalk before it is so dreadfully hot, but ... i'm so lazy! i didn't want to wake at 6, but i had already had two sad dreams and didn't want to chance another. by the time i walked around and looked at the odd peach color of the sky i was awake, so i made the coffee. and have now piled back in the bed for a while. it is still dark. maybe it will rain? although the rain would probably be boiling and sizzling... this summer hasn't been *too* bad, really, although it looks like we are in for a stretch of it. i guess i will just have to stop eating if i am not exercising. maybe i will have a diet of Corona beer, tomatoes and avocadoes. mmmmmm.

this is the long lonely art weekend and so far, so good. *finally* i was able to order more Golden soft get and UHU sticks, so i don't have anxieties about running out of adhesive, which is a big block for me. this time i splurged a little and also ordered an economy pack of 8x10 canvas board. i expected it to be a little shitty, but the quality was just fine. especially if you are planning to glue papers all over anyway. so yesterday i pulled out the paints and "played". why do i want to paint so badly? i don't even know *what* i want to paint - not puppies and landscapes, i'm sure - i just want to DO it. i want to make textures and marks. it wasn't too bad, although i will probably paint over today. that's ok. as soon as i glued woodpeckers on, i knew i had fucked up. i was trying to avoid THINGS. then went and stuck an identifiable THING on there. grrrrrr. but i will go back to it today.

i also started watching Art 21 and at first was a little cranky because the second, not first, CD was in the wrong envelope, but then i was fine because there was Kiki Smith. i LOVED her. LOVED. i saw the series at the library yesterday, so might go back and get them, instead of waiting for Netflix to confuse me with the wrong CD's. i am also reading - yes really READING - a huge monograph about Rauschenberg. there are also so many photos. his work is so inspiring to me. i thought i might need an art diet, i tend to look at so much stuff online, i wanted to just STOP, but the habit is a little more under control now. there is such a glut out there of information and imagery. it can become too overwhelming and UN-inspiring after a while.

the dreams last night were about being abandoned and left behind, sort of. losing second chances. being dragged away underwater by an alligator in a weedy canal. stuff like that. but the worst was the one about losing the girls. they were little again and were going to live with their dad. he was taking them away and i had to pack ALL their things, which kept multiplying and had to stop and lie down and cry and get up and try to be cool. he was waiting for me to finish, taking the boxes out and chatting. the girls were excited, but also fearful. Betsy was upset that i was messing with her stuff, then Margaret was in a huge panic when she realized she would be in a different school and was leaving her friends. her eyes were so large and afraid. god i hated it. the guilt of taking them away from David has surfaced now and i feel sort of sad and shitty and sleepy this morning. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i had done everything differently. this life is hard. and i am not really "happier". whatever i thought i might find "away" - i never did. although i have had interesting experiences, sure. anyway. no point in dwelling on all THAT, huh. yep, right.

since i finally renewed my roadside service, i thought i might go on a pictureMaking adventure today, to a little town i have wanted to go back to for a year or so. but i think it will be too hot to wander around comfortably and i don't want to just go driveby shooting. so i guess it will be paint and Art 21 again all day. maybe i will build more palaces, too. i think they are too predictable when they are so symmetrical, although i love the altaristic feel of them. the poet also agreed that they need some break from symmetry. maybe i will try that. i almost feel like crying, but i think i will go make more coffee instead.

usually writing like this, i put under lock/friends-only filter on livejournal. but i have been remembering how open i used to feel when i used to write "real" things in public. my art was so different, too. lately i have been feeling so closed and rigid, and i wonder if authentic writing will feel good. or bad? this may disappear. i make it small, so it doesn't scream.

well. it's official.

i have an artFire store now.

i'm not sure how it will go, but i know i need to Get Myself Out There more and more, so i have been putting my New Things there. for now. i am also keeping my Etsy store. i don't hate Etsy at all, but my traffic has really dwindled there. i feel so invisible. Etsy is so huge. i know i am not a big hustler, but ... more people used to just appear, not just my beloveds from my journal postings! (thank you all!)

anyway, i hope you will go look.

i am having a helluva good time with the imaginal palaces, that is for sure. but now i want to make them BIGGER.

the poet and i had a rather good weekend in the city. we ate at a new favorite Mexican restaurant and watched an Antonioni film that neither of us had ever seen before and it was STUNNING. The Red Desert. watching Monica Vitti's neurotic collapse was a little tedious, but the cinematography - just WOW.

on Saturday, we went to the City Market to acquire some produce, then went on an excursion to Watkins Mill. we have been before, but were in the mood to go again. now a state park, it was once a working farm and huge woolen mill. you can walk all around and pretend to live there. especially good when you are the first there and there are no tours yet!






then we drove into Excelsior Springs, where i have wanted to return for about 3 years. it is an old resort town, with crusty old places, lots of red brick. it is not quite as crusty as when we were there last, though. one of the old hotels has been restored for Affordable Senior Living. the other one is near collapse, sadly. i could have walked around there for hours, but the poet was flagging. my images are not very good, but here are a few. somehow, i feel self-conscious and rushed when feeling my companion is either bored or tired, and it is hard to make good pictures in that state.




while we were driving in the town, sometimes i could see a tall brick smokestack and the roof of an old brick building peeping over the trees. i insisted we find it. it might have been an insane asylum!! it was difficult, but finally i found a broken driveway and drove up it, much to the poet's distress. heh. it was an old school! probably the high school. it was huge and formerly handsome. this is a side view. the poet climbed to the top of the fire escape for the view, but i could not. (dizzy). i did look for open doors, though! there was a sign in front that it was due to become elegant condominiums. i laughed. it was a wonderful day.


sunday was stormy, so we stayed in, cooked more food and watched another great film - The Sea Inside. then we went to see if the creek flooded and i came home. King Tubby is still alive, but he is pitiful. it is gray again today, but i won't notice, because my head will be bent over the artTable mostly.

test post.

what i have been doing this weekend (finally!):

building new houses (why did the phrase "create what you need to find" come into my head and set off this new activity? which i have been making and saving imagery for several years? odd.) anyway, it has been great fun, finally doing it. after creating the images, i am making them into hanging objects. i don't know if they will go on Etsy. i might be a little over Etsy now.

i am thinking of using the blogger thing again, even though i hate the term blog and have never considered that i "blog" - i journal online. and paste pictures in. etc. but i like lots of people here, and am a little tired of messing with wordpress on my own site, so ... don't worry! i won't give up my livejournal. too many old old friends there and the ability to filter posts amongst them. my community. we'll see how this goes.

i think i am going to start using this again?

it's possible!

some scenes from yesterday's walk

i am really trying to be good about going out for longWalks, and i walk every workDay to and from the office but i am taking this morning off (it will probably be too hot later, but i *might* go out later...). i know it is a Good Thing to do, but god am i ever bored with my neighborhood. 10 years! wait. 11. and a half. during the season changes i get a happy visual jolt, but summer is the least interesting season for me, to make pictures. everything is WAY too shrouded in green stuff. although sometimes it *can* be interesting (see last image). heh.

it is a "holiday weekend" but i am not excited about it - in fact it could be my least favorite. Boom Boom Big Deal. let's have a revolution and gain some independence from the politicians and the ruling corporations! then maybe we will have something to celebrate! ok, don't let me get started...

there is a dreadful lack of inspiration going on at the artTable - and life in general lately. i am trying to refrain from becoming too depressed or too cynical. i am trying hard to stick out this last year and odd months, in this town, at that job, in this life, with a good attitude - but i am terribly impatient, lonely and ... fearful. i try not to think about it all too much. but there are times i just want to pack it up and go. (where?)

onward. that's where. breakfast, pigtails, artTable ...