i keep thinking i might be getting sick of using only my iPod to make pictures, but then i download a new little app or try a different combination of lens/film on the hipstamatic ... and it fits so easily into my pocket ... *and* when i am walking, there is also music! how can i not love it so dearly? it is the ultimate toy camera.

i'm not sure why i only pop in here on Friday mornings to write. remember when i used to write stuff 2 or 3 times a day? i do. now it seems silly. i'm not sure i like writing about myself at all anymore. i've mostly returned to inhibition. i barely talk to anyone. it doesn't seem to matter. i know this is kind of a curling-up-before-the-big-transition time so i am ok with it now and don't even feel very lonely. i walk around my miniLoft and mentally note the things i will toss away or keep. i use up as much artStuff as i can, because it cannot all go with me. i wonder how big a uHaul i will need and how much will it cost. i wonder if anyone will help me. i know i don't have enough $$ for such a transition and am not really sure how i will do it. once or twice a week i wake in a panic and can't go back to sleep, but mostly i don't fret. i do sort of wonder where i will live. and how i will fit into family dynamics again after being the outsider for over 20 years.

mostly i am focused on good habits and discipline lately. long fast walks, flossing, eating mostly protein/veggies, arting insted of flopping in bed with a book, being calm, saving every penny possible, keeping things clean. these things really help my mental state, too. i think i might be out of my skull with anxiety if i were still drinking a box of wine a week and eating noodles and popcorn every night while i read mystery paperbacks.

last weekend the poet came to my house and we had a pretty nice stayCation. we ate some good food and watched macBook theatre, of course. we can't go out to the movies here. you could not pay me to go to our only Big Theatre. it is overpriced and really dirty and the seats are broken/uncomfortable. i HATE it. and the old downtown theatre that i love had movies we have already seen, but they do have an excellent video store attached, so we went there. we had some hikes in the woods and at the new wetlands, but it was cold and gray and damp and there were no wildflowers yet. still, good.

now this is my long weekend alone. i hope it doesn't rain all weekend! there are now flowers to be seen and my iPod and i will hike and hunt for them all through the neighborhoods. and there is so much paper ephemera to be used up. i keep thinking i will bring a big canvas in. i am now up to 18 x 24, but even that didn't feel big enough. and some red wine is allowed on the weekends. yes! onward!